Clouded Negatives

//Clouded Negatives

Clouded Negatives

Something strangely enlightening happened to me today ::: I realized how far I have distanced myself from outer negativity (this does not necessarily mean I don’t have my own occasional negative thought). What I mean is that since I moved to Hawai’i my life has been changed in so many ways I am still coming to realize them.

I used to love horror movies. The more gore, the better. Such images never bothered me in the slightest because I knew in reality it was all fake and acting (I am usually aware of acting during the most intense scenes), but if I see blood in person I can’t handle. I loved Saw, American Horror Story, Oculus (which I would still recommend watching), and the likes so much so that twisted, queasy horror was my favorite genre (maybe that meant something?).

Once I moved to Hawai’i, I stopped watching TV altogether, and if commercials ever came on even on the radio, I would mute the sound. I don’t want external entities telling me what I should want or need. It’s all brainwash anyhow.  I started engaging with intellectual, expressive, uplifting people who made such a positive impact on me that I was more inspired to discover my true, peaceful, wondrous inner child I had lost touch with so long ago (I had to grow up quite fast). I started gardening, I started having more conversation with actual depth and meaning, I started curiously engaging others (I am pretty introverted), and even dancing – something I would never be caught dead doing before Hawai’i.  I started enjoying my own company in the company of others. Life was free-flowing and I was finally diggin’ the vibes.

The first time I noticed myself being re-exposed to soul-cringing negativity was when I walked into the house after a fun night out dancing. A few housemates (I lived with 11 people) were watching a particularly dark scene of American Horror Story with the speakers blasting and all the lights off to amplify the perception. The moment I walked in the door it was as if I could feel the pulsating disturbed energy hitting me like bricks. It was a close up of Jessica Lange (as beautiful as she is) screaming in terror about something or other and I could feel my physical self wanting to curl up into a ball in defense.

That was over two years ago. Something like that happened to me again today. As I work I like to listen to instrumentals of all sorts: space type music, zen/spa anything, orchestras, classics, nature sounds, throat singing, yatta-yatta. They help engage my creative flow and keep me focused because I find lyrics distracting.

Usually, I listen to this type of stuff on YouTube, and yes, there are occasional unannounced ads I have to skip through. This time, after a 45-minute piece of music, my senses were bombarded with an ad for the rated R movie, “Atomic Blonde.” I was immediately transported from Native American flutes to fighting scenes with the graphic sound effects to follow of killing, injuring, and hurting other people. I might add I was also using headphones, so this was all magnified. I felt that same feeling I felt years ago where it’s like my soul is trying to escape my body just to get away from the input it is receiving.

This bothered me so much that I tried to contact YouTube to just let them know what I had experienced. Since every move we make is tracked, I was surprised they didn’t have better ad tracking to match what I’m currently trending. They did nothing about it, of course, and it took me some research to even find out how to contact them (through a public forum). I was highly disappointed in their lack of service, but this is not about to turn into a complaint against YT.

Throughout my years of self-development here and the more I interacted with people, the easier it became to filter out who was happy, sad, struggling, or just downright negative about everything. Not to say that negative people are not worth talking to. On the contrary, I try to discreetly pry to see if they will let me in. Maybe I could have them talk themselves out of their self. I love self-progression so much, why wouldn’t I want to talk someone down from whatever self-hate they are spinning? Of course, there are those who are so shut off they won’t bother even looking past themselves to see someone else is trying to help, and they continue on their path. It’s not worth taking myself down endlessly while trying to help another. Maintaining genuine positivity is key.

I loved degrading rap music – not gonna lie. Now, it is hard to listen to. I still enjoy the old-school hip hop, but everything coming out today is beyond my scope of livelihood. Hearing those kinds of lyrics on repeat chips away at oneself so slowly that you don’t even realize it’s happening. Everyone out here sings about justice and injustice, normal people vs. big government, about genuinely being a better person, and even create songs about local fruit. The music is so strong here that it inspires others to be activists, to be loving and welcoming, and to just be happy with the simple things. Now, that’s something I would want pumping me up rather than “face down, ass up,” or something revolving entirely around materials like Bugattis . . . is your media inspiring you?

Anyway, this experience made me reflect on how much I had actually distanced myself from the kind of exposure I welcomed all but 3 years ago. This kind of realization assures me that although I still have my occasional self-doubts and negative thoughts, I have still come a long way from who I was.

There is always progress to be made.

By | 2017-07-25T23:43:45+00:00 July 25th, 2017|thoughts|
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