SPILLING

//SPILLING

SPILLING

I have been experiencing quite a lull in my life flow lately. By this, I don’t even know what I mean. Everything. Nothing. Dakine.

I deleted my Facebook after returning from India. I can’t explain the way I have felt since getting back from that life journey. When I was there, I secretly looked forward to the day I got to get on my departing flight. Now, after being back, I crave India. I think about it every day and I am already looking for my next excuse to get back there.

I can’t specifically pinpoint how India has changed me, but it has in such an overwhelming way that I had to get off of social media. Jumping right back into my demanding job the day I got off the plane, getting back into an exercise routine, and trying to process my four month trip was more than enough to handle. I didn’t want any other external stimulation until I could get settled and figure myself out. Two months later, I still am. Being without social media has gotten easier. I find myself missing news of the outer world, which makes me despise that I get news from social media. I need to establish an RSS feed. I’m just talking to myself here.

Growing up as a young child I always wanted to be an artist- a common dream among most children. Due to many uprooting events in my childhood,  everything dropped like a rock and my life became completely focused around these events, which then took hold of my teenage years, and now here I am in my twenties. As I said in this other post, I feel like I’ve lost a good fifteen years of my life due to being stuck in such a hole of depression. This mixed in with growing up in an egotistical, stuck-up society caused me to become a major introvert because societal conformity sucked. My transition from childhood to ‘adulthood’ was nothing but trauma, stress, and a daze.

For a while now, I have been contemplating how to make up for all of those lost years. I don’t have a creative bone in my body. All I have is writing. All I’m good at is writing. All I can offer is writing. Whether it is through my brain spilling out onto a page or via a journalism outlet, I write. I am a terrible creative writer, mind you; my writing has to materialize straight from my thought process or take form in non-fiction writing. I can be very astutely factual. When I want to be. I haven’t been writing journalism-style since college. I miss those days of passion. Where has it all gone? I loved my favorite teacher giving me a hard essay topic to tackle. I loved writing as a journalist for the school paper and interviewing locals for leading stories. Now, I have this blog to keep me sane (not that it’s a bad thing to be here).

I can cook okay, nothing special to write about. I like it simple. Steamed broccoli or brussels sprouts with cracked pepper and salt is my go-to. Maybe some lemon if I’m feeling zesty. Sitting down with a blank canvas or piece of paper with the intention of creating art is awfully daunting to me. A blank paper to write on though – this happens. I don’t know what it is. I guess I just need to make myself practice more. When I try to make art – drawing usually- I just end up with a bunch of squiggles and lines – am I going for abstract? I don’t know. I can’t shadow or get angles right.. I like to fingerpaint like a three-year-old though. Just a mess of colors that isn’t supposed to be anything. I guess that’s what art is. I just can’t get mine to look like a good mistake. I should just take joy where joy is to be taken. I’m being too critical.

Thinking of myself as an adult is weird. I am out of college now and my exposure to others has narrowed distinctly. I don’t work at a coffee shop anymore, which is what I did in school, so I’m not interacting with others for work. Not that I liked that place much, the manager was a dementor sucking my soul away. Now, I work in an office (a different kind of dementor). Yay. I am the youngest one there but I like my coworkers. They all have families.

I have a ‘good’ job. I manage grants and corresponding programs for a nationally recognized non-profit. Big fuckin’ deal. The pay isn’t even half of what it should be, but boy am I getting the experience. I mean, I am thankful for it. I would have never gotten a job like this three months out of college back in California where I grew up. Perks of living in a small town. I will be transitioning into grant writing soon and I am looking forward to obtaining this skill. I am a good researcher and a strong persuasive writer, but do I want to grant write forever? No. Can it help me gain more freedom? Perhaps. I hope. I don’t really have anything else going on for me financially and sadly don’t foresee anything else coming my way soon. I think I’m being too negative about my situation. Correction: At the moment, I can’t imagine other opportunities coming my way, but who knows what the world will throw at me, right?

 

I’m just taking life day by day. But my days are so repetitive I’m starting to go crazy. I started making myself exercise in the mornings by waking up at around 5:30-6 to get something in. I’ve lost access to the best gym in town (being the school gym) since I graduated, and it has been bittersweet. Weightlifting did give me a noticeable tone and I’ve been doing it for years, but I know there is so much more out there. I have turned to running, swimming (which I’ve always been really good at), and experimenting with bodyweight exercising. I played around a little bit with jiu-jitsu my last month or two in school because classes were free (perfect timing, I know) and I’m thinking about continuing this curiosity.

After getting used to this morning exercise routine for about a week and a half, I was beginning to wake up before my alarm because my energy buildup was already getting stimulated (like Pavlov’s dog experiment) and opening my eyes for me. I can’t run very well. About three miles is my max, but I would swim forever if I could. I find it a shame that I never did any swimming sports growing up, because I know I would have excelled at it. Lately I have been looking around town for an adult swim team, but no luck so far. Hopefully something will come my way. The bodyweight training has been a journey for me. I like it, and after 2-3 weeks of consistency, I did begin to notice a nice amount of tone building up. And then I went on vacation, then I got sick (a 2 week setback).

I just got back to running a few hours ago and I intend to get up early tomorrow to get back into the cycle. Getting settled into this routine also makes me question what I’m working toward physically. Yes, I want to stay in shape, but am I staying in a comfort zone or am I challenging my endurance? I’m not saying I’m going to go run a marathon, but maybe a half marathon. I did one once before. I was miraculously able to run about nine miles of it then walked the rest. I run in the mornings but I’m not working toward anything. I’m just running. I’m not swimming toward anything. I’m just swimming. Sure, I’ll run that extra mile on occasion or swim a few extra laps, but is that all I want? Why do I think to myself that I have to be competing or always having to take something to the next level? I crave progression. Maybe some things just want to be.

Anyways, my routine. I exercise, go to work, then come home too exhausted to want to do anything else. I can’t imagine being a parent at this point. I live in a quiet town so motivation to ‘go out’, especially being socially incapable, is scarce. I depend too much on my partner, which makes me thankful we will be living separately very soon, so we can both focus on ourselves more.

While I look forward to my own living space, I daydream about cooking more, making kombucha, kimchi, kraut, nut milks, energy bars, granola, all of it. I am moving in with my best friend and the new house (that she just bought!) has a spacious, beautiful kitchen and I cannot contain my excitement in having a big fridge and counter space. I am thinking that more creativity will come my way in the kitchen with this new house. Living in my current house with five other people has been discouraging. It was fun for a few years living with others, but I AM SO OVER IT. The messes everywhere discourage me from wanting to keep spaces nice, and the kitchen is always gross no matter how often I scrub the sink, so there is not much inspiration to get creative. I really think a change of living scenery (sacred space) and more time alone will really help me figure out my inner and outer workings.

I am trying to stay cognizant of how much time I will be spending alone figuring myself out. While I love to keep myself company, I really need to make myself be more social, no matter how much I dread it. I need to meet some people. I want to make some more friends. I need more excuses to get out of the house. I’m still young and I don’t want to look back ten years from now the same way I’m looking back on my wasted teenage years locked away inside my head. How will I get from A to B? I don’t know yet. A possible swim team is a good start. Or the jiu-jitsu. I need to do more yoga. I don’t know why I avoid it so much, but I do. I like to do meditative stretching on my own, but some strength-building poses are really what I need. I have also been curious about some belly dancing classes. Or maybe even silk ropes.

I guess I am frugal in ways. I can’t bring myself to join organized classes with monthly fees but I spare no expense (for the most part) on health food. I have been indulging in supplements and tinctures lately. My two most recent ones are mushrooms. I got a chaga tincture (really hard to swallow) and a 7-kine mixture of mushrooms in capsules (I think I will stick with capsules) from the Host-Defense brand (more here soon). I hope that with the influx of creative energy the new house will bring will inspire me enough to dive into making my own skincare products. I would love to make my own sunscreens and face masks, toners, hair oil concoctions, and so on.

I am innately lazy. I will have all these ideas mulling around my brain for weeks, months, years even, until I finally snap and take action. However long I procrastinate usually relates to how big of an idea it is. Developing character traits can take a while, depending on what it is. Becoming un-lazy has been a process for the last 4-ish years.

College got me motivated and inspired. Being out of college is a whole other monster. I don’t have school to distract me now. No teachers assigning me topics. The world is mine. And what am I doing? Telling the internet my thoughts.. Oh, what to do!! I do want to phase out of my job in the next year or so (the closer to a year the better). I want to gain the grant writing experience and I am hoping that will allow me to do more freelance work. I either want to be working semi-remotely, or working for someone or some entity that I morally agree with and for someone who can be a fantastic mentor to me. Mentorship has been on my mind a lot lately and I would love to naturally fall into a mentor/mentee relationship. Maybe I can be the mentor, or maybe I should be the mentee. I think both could be nice. I would love to mentor a kid or some kids.

When I first started my job I was excited that it was a good position as well as being of service to the local community. Now, I am so consumed in deadlines that I ask myself if I am still serving the community. Technically, yes, but I am in too deep to see outwardly. I have also been wanting to volunteer with recycling initiatives (not that I think recycling is the answer) because the recycling out here is quite sub-par in comparison to San Francisco and other California standards. Our landfills are beyond capacity and the counties aren’t doing much about it. They want to expand the tourism. In college I lived a pretty zero-waste life. Now, I avoid the major plastic like water bottles, but I catch myself not giving much thought to other things like packaging. I miss a lot of who I was when I was in college. So much has faded from me now.

I feel like this entire spilling of my ether has been a bit melancholy. Maybe that’s how I feel right now. Perhaps a little lost or hopeless too. This brain leakage consists a lot of perhaps situations or ‘I’ve been wanting to,’ or I would love to’s’. Well, this is when I am confronted with my laziness. How much of this am I actually willing to take on? Not all of it at once of course. I will dive back into regular journaling and start making lists of time frames of each of these potential goals to see which ones can be done more easily than others, and which ones take developing a skill to master. First conflict is my work schedule. I work so much that I value my weekends to go explore or relax. It is difficult to give some of that up for volunteering or other things to keep myself busy but I don’t have to volunteer every weekend, it could be a once a month thing, like a beach clean up 🙂 First goal is to get back into journaling. With that, I’ll already be attaining one of my goals while I map out some others.

Thanks for staying with me, I am beginning to feel mo’ betta toward the end of this post than I was at the beginning. I was camping this weekend and went on an early morning meditation walk and among the many questions I was asking myself, I asked the universe to send me an inspiring mentor and/or friend who I can adventure with. I already have inspiring friends I love to pieces, but with everyone living their own lives, surrounding myself with more inspiring people is better at motivating my naturally lazy ass. First step toward meeting more inspiring people is getting out of the house! Now I’m going in circles. I better cut this off soon.

I know that all of this probably sounds snobby. Overall, yes, I am happy. I really can’t complain about all that I have. I very much understand what is going on throughout the world, and my main goal in life is to be of service in some way. In order to help others, I must first take care of myself, right? My mind has been exploding like this ever since I got back from India and I can’t make sense of it or make it stop. Some sort of change is inevitable, but in which direction is up to me. This is my struggle for change.

By | 2019-02-08T19:01:49+00:00 April 22nd, 2018|thoughts|
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